|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Math Tutoring:
Math is something that is important to me. I understand it, I apply it, I want to spend the rest of my life working with it. It is something that is there and I know enough about it to say that I love it. It is one of the things that I am sure about. More sure about loving math than loving a boyfriend, but that's just how I work. When you come to me for math help, there are parts where I get really picky.
1. Don't waste my time. In fact, this is a general rule always. My time is valuable to me. I can never get it back. I love helping, but just don't waste my time.
2. Respect my views, don't tell me you hate doing math, and realize that I no longer hold opinions valid while I'm teaching. If I hear you say something about hating math, it sounds like you have no will to learn, thusly wasting time.
3. Never tell me to repeat myself. Never tell me to slow down. It's not how fast I talk, it's how many steps I skip. Tell me to explain the steps I've skipped.
4. Asking questions are fine. Confirming answers at every step is not fine. Do the whole problem by yourself, and with confidence. If you really don't get it, I wouldn't be giving you problems.
5. Pay attention to me. I don't care how juicy the gossip is on the other side of the room or how intense the discussion is right next to us. You asked for my time, don't make me wait for you.
| | |
| So recently, for an English class, we were asked to write a personal essay on one of six topics provided for us and this would serve to be our college application essay after we refine it a little. In fact, the student teacher had written on the the topics for his college application essay and he ensured us that colleges liked the topics they gave us to write about. Well, I chose the topic of "Describe your best conversation." We had 750 words, and I swear: Nothing I wrote could have given the conversation justice. Nothing I wrote could personify the pure emotion and respect I felt at the moment of the conversation. There wasn't enough space to justify why I had felt it was life-changing. In fact, I can't find the words right now to do so. I can't piece together letters and string together enough sentences to describe why it had been meaningful. In fact, I'm sure I will die the only one to realize just how much that conversation really meant to me. Not even he knows...
So, pushing out 750 words and wishing that I could write millions - in fact wishing I could write a thesis on it or something - of words to truly express the depth and meaning I found behind every one of his words. I could write forever about how his simple words made me so proud of the person I am or how I realized just how strong he thought I was. He was right. Simply, everything he did and said...everything in general...just made me feel so good about myself.
You know what's horribly silly? It's been less than a month of my relationship and I already feel like it's doomed and that I'm not going to get what I want out of it. It feels like there are so many more interesting people out there that I can laugh with just as easily, game with just as often...There are just so many people I could be having relationships with...and while I'm in this one, I feel like there's this "I Accomplished What I Thought Was Impossible, What's Next?" thing going on where I'm just going for the next challenge. Seriously, I'm horrible. I need a constant challenge...I'm not getting that here. Instead, I think I've picked out a few prospects...a few people that I would love to get to know a little better. I don't know. Maybe, I should just stop making people think I'm a wonderful little girl when all I really want is a challenge.
-Are You Sure You Know What That Will Do?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
| | |
| This weekend, I've been fantasizing and laughing, and being a girl (it's a nice feeling, to fall back to being so carefree once in awhile). Bari came over late Saturday after two of Daniel's friends had an impromptu LAN party over here, and we chatted for a little bit (and a transaction of sorts occurred) before we headed over to bake and hang out at her house. I gushed about two male friends that I am fairly interested in. One of them Bari doesn't know very well (and thusly character judgment was null) and the other makes me too cryptic when I converse with (but that's why he's fun!). I spent that afternoon with Daniel and his two friends and went to see Jumper again. It was still an okay movie, but all the foreshadow definitely came out this time! I would recommend it as an action movie, but not for any other value.
I've been talking to James a lot more about the things going on in my life. I haven't told him about what's all going on with my friends (but he does know that the majority of them have paired up with someone and that this fact makes me feel sad and lonely sometimes) but he does know about the apparent boy-craziness I've been going through. It's a weird little phase where I'm constantly going back and forth on whether or not I really want a relationship and then I start "flirting" with the guys around me and gather a fanclub. I've told James about the fanclub, about the flirting, about how I feel about myself, or most of my friends, and about the number of guys that I am currently expressing an interest in. He doesn't know how I feel about my ex boyfriend, or how I feel about most of the people around me, but he knows some stuff that I haven't told my best friend.
Bari and I were discussing the fates of the relationships around us. Being the cryptic single girl I am, and her being the more a critical yet kinder person, we had doubts about the potentials for most of the relationships around us. Some were too mismatched to work while others had large conflicts that were apparent from the start. It took a lot to realize later that no matter how stable the relationship between him and whoever he's dating seems, it has the possibility to end. We broke up, after all.
So I'm running these scenarios in my mind. Two of the guys on my list could be instantly crossed off: college boys who look pretty, but I have no time or effort to actually make it out to maintain a relationship with. Due to lack of availability, four names are crossed off the list (damn!). Due to a personal problem or a lack of potential, another three are tossed. So, all in all, there are like three or four guys that I would really consider...one of them apparently will make me a more cryptic and cruel person, while another of them has been "approved of" by my maternal-esque figure in high school. One of them, I'm not deathly serious about, and it's been an "on-off" thing since seventh grade, and the last one, I'd be teaching him more than he'd be teaching me (and I look for relationships I can take things from)...Anyways:
I had an interesting little daydream where probably the most important person of my life a few months ago begged me to adopt a stray cat (for he couldn't take it) because it reminded him of me. I took the longest time ever trying to come up with a name for an apparently black female cat with...pale green eyes like his. But this cat apparently embodied my personality and quirks, becoming me - or who I wanted or thought he saw me as. Do you think he'd ever ask me to care for a stray cat?
Coming to my bittersweet moment of the day: I hate having to wait patiently while other people ensure the happiness of someone very important to me. This person I've once elevated onto a pedestal and worshiped, hoping that I may one day make him as happy as he made me. It feels so weird (even after all this time) to have to watch and wait and hope that the person now responsible for his happiness is doing a good job. I want to talk to him, but at the same time, I realize that I'll just screw it up even more. I want to engage in useless and witty banter, but I realize that somewhere along the way, I'll be too immature for his tastes, or become too playful. So, to make him happy, I've stepped aside and just watched. So, to make him happy, I've resigned from my post in the front row. So, to truly love him, I've stopped.
-No Amount of Twisted Fairy Tale Logic Can Shake Me, All I Have To Wait For Is This Dream to End
Scarlet Bloodmoon
| | |
| As a school assignment, I still have to use these words:
Blithe, Deride, Eschew, Fastidious, Ingenuous, Licentious, Maleficent, Mendacious, Peter, Pique, Prudent, Qualm, Reticent, Somber, Telltale, Temerity, Tenacious
Ubiquitous, Purloin, Raucous, Replete, Retrench, Rhapsody
I was driving in my car today, and I started talking to myself, over the radio. I remembered my past relationship, and how much I really meant to him. It's those blithe moments alone in my car that really calm and soothe the soul - along with leading to many self-discoveries. I've been picking at things that I shouldn't be, and playing with the things that I should have ages ago. In those private moments, I can deride and criticize my best friends and then go back the next day loving them. The one thought that's constantly there, though, is a weird one.
The feelings I have for my ex boyfriend have petered from Love-of-my-Life to a casual friendship. Thinking back on all of it, the part that really makes me happy is where he sat me down and we had the most emotionally taxing and somber conversation/discussion. I can't even remember what most of it was about - I block out and forget the things that make me cry - but at the end, he gave me the choice. He pulled me off to the side and vaguely asked about the fate of our relationship (going on three months old at the time). I never looked back on it until recently (after the relationship ended, anyways) and I realized that he loved me enough to bear whatever hell I was putting him through and offer me the ultimate decision. I held tenaciously onto the fact that I wasn't alone anymore, and even now, refuse to let go completely. I realized that after so long, he loved me to no end, and after I had been so maleficent, I felt really bad about everything.
That relationship changed a lot about me. During the beginning of it, I was going through a mendacious period where everything I felt ashamed of, I lied about. Slowly, I learned to accept the things that I never wanted to tell people, and learned to supplement the lies I told with half-truths. I became more confident, coming from the reticent child from 7th grade to the overly playful person I was. I used to be against giving people the smallest detail about myself, and take forever to think of answers to a vague survey. I was the most prudent thing in the world, living a tame life. Then high school came.
I have no real complaints about my life right now, no qualms about my behaviors, and no reason to take back anything I've done. I love where I am now, I love that I'm a cryptic, mean and ingenuous little girl with a really harsh side. I'm fine with the fact that I'm coming along perfectly and entertaining ridiculous notions that no one will ever know of. I'm pleased with the busy rhapsody of school and activities, and even in the masochistic dashes to the finish line, I'm beaming. I love where I am, and I loved getting here.
Surrounding myself with the music that brings me back to my childhood mixed with the music that reminds me of what I had recently, the ubiquitous tumult of noise and ruckus serves as an anchor to work. Diving headfirst into the heaps of work I have to get done, the raucous transition from free-time to work leaves a deep-set pang of realization. I'm in too many things. Well, I'm not really in large numbers of things to do, the things I do just require a lot of attention and time. Next year, I will need to retrench a lot of the things that I like to do, but can't afford to - and as much as it pains me to do so, I will have to cut a few things and sacrifice a few more for the sake of college and whatnot.
Alas, this is life. (Hey, I used all my words!) I still love him a little, I still feel glad that he gave me all these chances, and that he's still going to be there for me. I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, and wonderful challenges that await me. Wish me luck!
-Randomly, Life Will Change In The Oddest Ways
Scarlet Bloodmoon
| | |
| I swear, I knew it. I can't say that I knew all about the first two, but I knew about mine, and I knew about the last two. Somehow, I just attuned myself to it...and I knew...
So, you'll never believe me when I say that I am glad for you. You will never believe, never in your life, that I really want this to work out - because I don't believe myself when I say that. I know this much:
I am glad for you. I really am glad that you picked her. She's a really sweet girl and she compliments you.
I'm glad you're not alone anymore. As much as you might be playing or joking about it, I'm glad you aren't. You deserve someone to be with.
I still wish you'd be a closer friend, but I guess I'm masochistic that way and wouldn't care about my emotions.
I don't know why I do those things. I'm sorry I've bugged you, I'm sorry I've been horrible. I'm used to playing with people and making comments. I'm used to the limits being really stretched and I'm used to really detached playing. I guess this is me trying to get back at not finding a game that you would play too...
You'll never believe me when I say that I don't hate you, but you'll never ever believe me when I say I love you. You'll never believe me when I refuse to leave, but never will you believe me when I turn away. You won't believe that I still have it, but become disappointed when I throw it out. I promise...you'll never believe me.
-I'm Out to Prove the World Wrong: You'll Never Believe Me Until I Return
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. - With the extra scraps of cloth I have from making things, I'm going to start making dolls. Just guess what kind!
| | |
|
